Headlines, 7.9.08

Two birds with one stone

Current light heavyweight and super middleweight champion Joe Calzaghe has officially announced that he will maul fight Roy Jones, Jr., for the 175-lb. title on April 19, 2009, in Las Vegas. Calzaghe stated after his victory over former light heavyweight champ Bernard Hopkins that he would most likely fight only once more, and that he wants that fight to be against Jones.

"It would be a great way to end two careers in one night," said Calzaghe.*

Calzaghe hopes the win will send him into retirement with an undefeated 46-0 record, while Jones looks to end his years-in-the-making comeback with a win in a fight that anyone cares about.

* Legal note: I really hope that people reading this understand that I make these quotes up.

Favre texts Packers GM, says "OMG LOL I CANS PLAY?"

In the ongoing Brett Favre retirement saga, recent reports claim that Favre recently texted Packers GM Ted Thompson about a potential return.

When asked about their sources, ESPN News Services neglected to comment on how they made this discovery. Speculation in other media circles has conjectured that ESPN either has an intern sewn to Favre's hip, or that the network was ready with pen and paper blazing as Favre stood on a milk crate screaming through a bullhorn, "ONE MORE SUMMER IN THE HEADLINES, PLEASE!?"

SMU to change uniforms

The SMU football program has announced that it will harken back to a more traditional look with its new uniforms this season.

SMU Director of Athletics Steve Orsini said that the change back to the Mustangs' traditional white helmets and pants represented a harkening back to its winning tradition. Historians have worked long and hard to recall that Orsini is referring to the days when Doak Walker played for the Mustangs.

New coach June Jones has said that he plans to use the new uniforms as an opportunity to blend old tradition with his new school approach. Jones said that his traditionally clad Mustangs will continue a position of irrelevance in a non-BCS conference, and are working hard to make a late change to their 2008 schedule so that they can get trounced by the Georgia Bulldogs.

Utes make case for BCS membership

In more college football news, experts at a Utah football blog are making the case for the Utes to enter the Pac-10 as an eleventh member should the conference decide to expand.

Among the arguments made are the instillment of traditional Mormon values in SoCal** and the desire to play USC annually instead of having to travel east to raise revenue through losses to major programs.

**Moral note: That was inappropriate of me, and I apologize to any Mormon readers or anyone else who may have been offended by my quip. That being said, I just couldn't help myself.

Update: I have been informed, as you can see in the comments, that I'm being a stereotyping fool, and that I completely misrepresented Utah. Good to know. Moving along...

Jagr to leave NHL

NHL star Jaromir Jagr, who played last season for the New York Rangers, has decided to leave the league and instead sign a two-year deal with the Russian club Avangard Omsk.

Jagr has stated his admiration for anyone who can spell their name with so many consonants. Mostly, however, Jagr expressed that he was overwhelmingly happy to finally be able to move back to a country where he can fashionably wear his hair as he wishes.