The Boston Sports Guy

Ok, so I couldn't stay away for an entire week. I will have to make this my last post until Monday, though, so soak it all in while you still can.

I was reading ESPN's Page 2, and finally got around to reading Bill Simmons's draft diary. Needless to say, I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or vomit. But through the awkward sense of nausea, I sensed that Bill wasn't telling us the whole truth in his musings. I've tried to parse together what he wrote with what he must have been thinking (in italics, for your convenience!) while writing the column...

Andy Katz breathlessly reports Chicago will definitely take Derrick Rose first.
Little does Katz know that Boston GM Danny Ainge has already used his superior intellect to convince the Bulls and the Heat to both trade their first-round picks to Boston in exchange for Ron Artest. League officials may argue that Ainge can’t trade a player whose rights he doesn’t own, but after he waves his hand and tells them to look elsewhere for their droids, they will cease the protest. Chicago and Miami can argue over who has to keep Artest on their roster.
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4:31 p.m. PT: Stu introduces David Stern by reminding us it's our 25th straight draft with the Commish.
Blahblahblah, on to pick 30. Rose to Boston. He’ll fall. He has to. It’s Celtics destiny.
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4:37: Chicago takes Rose first, followed by the requisite super-awkward shot of the Bulls' war room applauding like someone just gave a bad best man's speech. Why don't the people in draft war rooms ever know how to properly celebrate a great pick? They're even worse at celebrating than PGA golfers and their caddies.
It’s like they have something else to do, like work. Isn’t running a NBA front office just like writing my columns? Sit at home with my TV and laptop gazing at the Big Three mural on my wall and occasionally talking to my pet bird, Larry. Get it? Damn, I’m witty.
Waitaminute, did they just take Rose? Hmm… Danny must have some master plan cooked up to acquire him later in the draft for a bag of Cheetos and a “Kiss me, I’m Irish” t-shirt.
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4:50: Normally, Mayo is disarmingly winsome and charming in interviews, to the point that part of me wants to legally adopt him. (I wish I had thought of this 10 years ago.) Not right now, not when he's coming to the realization he will be spending the next five years shoveling snow in Minnesota. Even Stephen A. can't get a rise out of him. Is it too early to list O.J. as the top free agent of the summer of 2013?
He’ll come to Boston. My pants are starting to fit funny just thinking about it. Or maybe he’ll go to Indiana. Wait. The Celtics never lose out on free agent deals. But would that be blasphemy to say that Larry Bird is fallible? Oh… my head hurts…
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5:04: Say what you want about the Kevin Love pick, but it did lead to some old ABA and NBA highlights of his Dad, as well as our first Dad interview of the night! Before the draft, I put down $200 on the over of "2.5 Dad Interviews." Two more Dads to go. Come on.
Suckers. I’ll win that bet easy, seeing as I’ll be interviewing my Dad 6 times in the next 45 minutes.
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5:06: The Sports Gal's take: "Why did they boo him? He's really cute!"
Boston… Boston… Polish sau... oops. Boston… Boston…
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7:30: You know, David Stern makes me mad sometimes. He screwed the Celtics by making them keep Reggie Lewis on their cap for three years when the poor guy was dead; he nearly screwed them over by not annulling the Gasol trade; and now, he didn't even give us the satisfaction of hearing him say, "With the 30th pick of the 2008 NBA draft, the WORLD CHAMPION Boston Celtics take?" Nope, he just said, "Boston Celtics." I'm done with you, Stern. That's the final straw. I'm throwing my support behind Adam Silver in the November election.
Or Larry Bird. He’d make a great commissioner. After all, he’s done such a fine job in Indiana. But they don’t love him like I do. He needs to rule the NBA. And the world. He can come to the draft dressed in a green and white cape with a crown and a scepter. He’ll kick the Spurs out of the league and let the Patriots take their spot in the playoffs for offseason conditioning. It would be glorious…
Oops. Hmm… just made a mess of myself thinking about that. Need a new pair of shorts. Quick. Find a way to end the column. Something… got it.
Ladies and gentleman, your 2008 world champion Boston Celtics!