Strange cuisine

TMZ released a devilishly funny video of Shaquille O'neal getting his freestyle on at a New York City club recently:

For those of you who either can't understand him, or can't watch the video, here are some of the highlights:

"That's like a white boy trying to be more n----- than me."

"That's like Patrick Ewing having more rings than me."

"That's like Kareem saying to himself he's better than me."

"That's the difference between first and last place. Kobe, n-----, tell me how my ass tastes."

"I'm a horse. Kobe ratted me out; that's why I'm getting divorced"

Repeatedly uttering the phrase "You know how I be. Last week Kobe couldn't do without me," Shaq's bumbled lyrics have stirred fresh his long since forgotten feud with the Lakers star. His response?

“I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever,” O’Neal told ESPN.com Monday. “That is what MC’s do. They freestyle when called upon. I’m totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all.”

Sorry, big man. That's just not how it works. You don't go on a 2:00 freestyle in which you tell the league MVP that he's trash without you and blame him for your divorce and then just say, "No, really, we're cool."

You're not an MC, and nobody's calling on you. Cutting seven albums doesn't make you a big-time rapper (Shaq goes out of his way to compare himself to the Notorious B.I.G.); especially when your "street cred" includes Kazaam! and Shaq-Fu. You just realized that the only reason that your name has been in the headlines in the last few months at all is because you are the entire reason that the Phoenix Suns went from perennial championship contender to NBA laughingstock. You're right, Shaq, you are the difference between first and last place. Just not in a good way.

And as far as being better than Ewing and Kareem goes, you're not even the best big man on your own team, much less better than two Hall of Famers like the above-mentioned. Kareem's got 6 championship rings and 6 MVP awards. Talk to me when you're even close to that kind of hardware.

As if he's not slinging the crap real heavy enough as is, there's that whole line about Kobe breaking up his marriage -- referring to Kobe's comments during his trial that he should "do like Shaq does" and pay women off to keep quiet about extramarital affairs. Here's a thought, Diesel. Maybe Kobe had less to do with your failed marriage than, say, you trying to out-sleeparound Karl Malone. But at least Shaq purports to have had a vasectomy. There you go, big man. You do have a leg up on one Hall of Famer.

But apparently, since everyone's an MC now, I've penned a response from Kobe so that the MVP doesn't have to waste his time on the matter:

1-2-3
I know Shaq's got four rings, I've only got three
But how many of those would he have won without me?
And it also seems he couldn't win the fourth without D
Wade, that sucker's just been riding for free
He's in about the same boat as Robert Horry

Diesel, you know that you're not an MC
And you're certainly not the MVP
You couldn't even win a ring with Steve and Amare
And now your time has passed, but I'm just turning 30

That gives me how many more years to win a ring
While you're left to retire, on the sidelines doin' your thing?
Rapping like a clown, flashing your bling
Ruining another marriage with some stupid fling

So put your head between your knees, Put your sneakers on the shelf
Want to know how your ass tastes? Why don't you try it yourself?

Thank you, folks, I'll be here all night. Try the veal.