Headlines, 6.25.08

Update: Shaq stripped of deputy's badges, left with bad taste in mouth

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has stripped Shaquille O'neal of his special deputy's badges, citing inappropriate language and racial conduct in the Phoenix Suns center's recent rap attacking former teammate Kobe Bryant. Video of the freestyle session, released by TMZ, quickly went viral and was the target of much criticism for its crude and derogatory language.

Horse tests positive for performance enhancers, expected to testify in front of Congress

Salute the Count, a horse trained by Rick Dutrow, tested positive for excessive levels of Clenbuterol, a medication which is approved in limited amounts.

Senator Arlin Specter has demanded that Salute the Count appear on Capitol Hill by the end of the week to testify. Questioned on how appropriate it would be to have the animal appear for the investigation, Specter ceded that it would not be the first horse's ass to enter Senate chambers.

Lightning hire Melrose as new head coach

In hockey's worst-kept secret, the Tampa Bay Lightning recently introduced former LA Kings head coach and TV analyst Barry Melrose as its new head coach.

Melrose has said that he believes that the Lightning have the talent to compete with the league's elite teams, but have lacked motivation since their 2004 Stanley Cup championship. To instill team unity, Melrose plans on making mandatory the sporting of mullets. Sleazy goatees, however, will remain optional.

Benson ordered to install ignition-lock breath tester in car

After being charged with drunk driving, Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson has been ordered to install an ignition-lock breath tester in his car to prevent the vehicle from starting if it detects that Benson has been drinking.

Travis County officials have also suggested that Benson be ordered to install similar devices on his boat, moped, bicycle, skateboard, running shoes and football cleats.