Headlines, 6.23.08

Jones drops "Pacman," explores other possibilities


Adam "Pacman" Jones, the infamous cornerback recently signed by the Dallas Cowboys and reinstated by the NFL, has decided to drop the nickname. Jones, however, denies the allegations that this was a transparent public relations move.

"No, I just thought I needed something fresh," said Jones. "I actually wanted to get a new nickname. There's too many Adam Joneses in the phone book, you know?"

What was his first choice?

"Oh man, I really wanted something off the hook like 'Rainmaker Jones,' but [agent Manny Arora] said he didn't like it. Not sure why, but I guess I'll let my play on the field stand me out from the other Adams."


Guillen gets proactive

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen made an authoritative step in his roll as the club's manager early this afternoon.

"Thank you all for coming today. I was at home scratching myself the other day, thinking 'Thank [expletive] I'm not at work,' when I picked up the [expletive] newspaper. So I see that Willie [Randolph], John [McLaren] and John [Gibbons] all got [expletive]-canned," the ever-cordial Guillen began his press conference. "I figure, this [expletive] always finds itself on fire in a paper bag on my [expletive] doorstep sooner or later, so I better [expletive] do something about it."

Guillen proceeded to fire White Sox GM Ken Williams.

"No-good [expletive] had it coming anyway. This is my [expletive] job. My [expletive] team. Jerry [Reinsdorf] and Eddie [Einhorn] better watch their [expletive], too, before I fire their [expletive]."

Williams contested the move, claiming his sovereignty as general manager, but was seen leaving White Sox headquarters with a cardboard box full of desk calendars and office supplies about an hour after the conference concluded.

Real Madrid makes move for Ronaldo


Sources for rival Manchester United are reporting that Real Madrid is close to making an offer for global superstar Cristiano Ronaldo. Madrid is allegedly preparing its bid to Manchester for Ronaldo, expected to be the largest transfer since Zinedine Zidane left Juventus for Madrid for £46 million in 2001.

Inside sources say that the bid could be as large as £0.85 bazillion.

In addition to the offer, Madrid has to then work on a contract with Ronaldo. Ronaldo, who continues to insist that it has always been his "dream" to play for the club, has hinted that he may be willing to take less to do so than he would normally expect in a contract offer. Terms currently being discussed are rumored to be £200,000 per week and the first-borns of all players currently on the roster to act as child-servants on and off the pitch.